


Suspended in This Bliss

by foggynelson



Series: Reflections of the Light [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:25:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6573484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You thought of me?” Raphael chokes out again, everything sounding harsh, loud, everything he doesn’t want it to be. He just… can’t believe it. He feels his eyes starting to burn, as blood threatens to fall from them. He looks down at his hands, focusing on the ring.</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course. I think about you all time, Raph.”</p>
<p>aka Simon and Raphael bond over being autistic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suspended in This Bliss

**Author's Note:**

> Autistic Raphael and autistic Simon mean so, so much to me so and last night I wrote a bunch of autistic Raphael headcanons which lead to me writing this. Also, it's autism awareness month and I hope you're aware all your faves are autistic.

Being autistic is the first real thing they bond on, something that connects them together. It’s early in the month of April and Simon is rambling to Raphael and he’s only half listening to the other. When he hears the words, “I mean, being autistic myself,” he starts to listen in as Simon goes on, “I can’t stand Autism Speaks and how they make it out like being autistic is the worst thing in the world. Being autistic is such a part of who I am. I’m not gonna be cured and I don’t need to be. I’m good how I am.” 

Raphael stares at Simon, his mind at a loss of what to say. “You’re autistic?” he chokes out, his voice sharp.

“Yeah, is that gonna be an issue or?” Simon replies, his voice equally sharp.

Raphael shakes his head and says, “No, sorry, I didn’t mean.... I was just surprised. I’m… I’m autistic, too.” Raphael looks down when he speaks. It’s something he doesn’t tell people often. Lily knows and is one of the few people he allows himself to talk about his special interests with and will stim in front of her and not care. A few other vampires know, but it’s never talked about.

It’s not that Raphael is ashamed of being autistic. Finding his autism was a huge deal for him, realizing that there wasn’t something wrong with him, he was just, well, different - _and that was okay_. But there are parts of him that have tried so hard for so long to hide it, to look people in the eye, to sit still when he’s in meetings, to be as neurotypical as he can manage. 

When he lifts his eyes, Raphael is surprised to find a wide smile on Simon’s face. “That’s so cool!” he replies. “Oh my go-” he chokes on the word and continues, “We totally need to talk special interests and stimming and sensory issues and oh!!! I haven’t met someone else autistic in so long this is so exciting!”

Raphael smiles, a nice, good genuine smile as he listens to Simon speak. He’s not as outwardly with it, but he’s just as excited at the prospect of having someone who understands him, who can relate to him. Someone he can trust with parts of himself he barely trusts himself with.

Before Raphael can say anything, Simon is off talking about the musical Hamilton, giving him facts and information about the cast and crew, the lyrics, the dance numbers, how absolutely amazing it is. Simon talks and talks and Raphael fully listens. He immerses himself in Simon’s words, letting them take over his heightened senses. 

 

It continues like this for awhile. It’s mostly Simon who talks, Raphael still not quite ready to be that open to Simon. It doesn’t matter, though, because Simon talks a ton, telling Raphael new things he’s learned, new things he’s starting to love. And Raphael finds he’s starting to love this - this relationship with Simon, listening to him talk, the excitement he gets, the way his hands will flap when he’s particularly happy. He loves it. He loves it all.

When he’s finally ready to talk himself, his voice is calm and settled, relaxed, as he tells Simon all about vampire lore. Even before he was turned, it was something that interested him. Once he became a vampire, he had access to hundreds of history books on the subject and has lived in their embrace ever since. 

It feels so good to be able to speak like this, his voice flowing, uninhibited, free and alive. His voice gets higher when he’s excited. The best part, though, is watching Simon as he speaks. Simon’s face is alive, reacting to everything he says, grimacing at parts, laughing at others. He’s here with Raphael, living in this world of words he’s creating. Living together. The two of them. 

And just like that, they’re bound together. They start to spend more time together, Raphael even insisting on taking over Simon’s vampire training. Raphael is insistent that he just wants to protect Simon, that they’re becoming friends. And they are and he does want to protect him only… there’s more that Raphael hides away and only thinks about when he’s falling asleep and is too tired to stop himself.

 

Simon _loves_ to talk about stimming. He loves to tell Raphael all the different ways he’s stimmed today and how it makes him feel. Raphael loves to listen. Simon doesn’t normally ask about Raphael or try and push him to talk, but one day Simon questions, “What about you? What’s your favourite way to stim?”

“I… I love singing and talking and making sounds. The combination of forming the words and hearing them and like the vocal vibrations is so soothing; it’s my favourite.” 

“You sing? I sing! That’s so cool. What’s your favourite song? Can I hear you sing? What’s your favourite word to sing or say? I wanna know everything!”

Raphael laughs and a smile takes over his face. “Um, I don’t have a favourite song, not really. You sure as hell can never hear me sing. And I love the word ‘tiquismiquis.’”

Simon flashes a smile before he begins to repeat the word, “Tiquismiquis,” over and over again, his accent not as terrible as Raphael would have guessed. The sound makes him grin as he closes his eyes and just listens. Simon’s voice is soft and smooth and Raphael hopes one day he can get the younger boy to sing something to him.

“How else do you stim?” Simon questions. 

Raphael shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. I hate it doing it public, you know? But I guess I really like playing with my hair and tapping my fingers or bouncing my leg, rocking back and forth.”

“That’s cool!” Raphael is amazed that Simon can keep that level of enthusiasm still going. He flashes a smile before telling Simon they need to get back to their training.

 

It’s a few weeks later, after a particularly tough training that Simon says, “I got something for you!” Raphael raises an eyebrow as Simon runs off to his room. He comes back, something small clasped in his hands.

He opens his hands and reveals a small box. He places the box into Raphael’s hand, their skin touching as he does. Raphael opens it and is surprised it find a ring inside. He’s not sure what this is supposed to mean.

“It’s a spinner ring,” Simon explains. He pulls it out of the box and shows Raphael, spinning it around in his fingers. He hands it over to Raphael who has a blank expression on his face.

“You bought me a ring?” The words are hard to get out, stuck in his throat. He holds the ring up close to his face, twisting it around, admiring it. It’s silver, with images of planets and stars carved into it. It’s cool to the touch and feels good in Raphael’s hands.

“Well, yeah, I know how hard it can be for you to stim in public so I thought maybe this would be something you’d like. If you don’t that’s totally fine; you don’t have to use it. I was just looking at stuff online and saw this and thought of you and--”

“You thought of me?” Raphael chokes out again, everything sounding harsh, loud, everything he doesn’t want it to be. He just… can’t believe it. He feels his eyes starting to burn, as blood threatens to fall from them. He looks down at his hands, focusing on the ring.

“Yeah, of course. I think about you all time, Raph.”

It’s silent for a moment. Raphael brings his eyes up and meets Simon’s. He’s at a loss of what to say. He continues to spin the ring around, twirling it with his fingers. “I love it,” Raphael manages to speak eventually, his voice softer than before.

“Really?” Simon’s voice is loud and he’s grinning and flapping his hands. “I’m so glad! I was so worried that you would hate it or think I was being weird or something. This means so much to me!” Raphael watches him, this light and brightness that surrounds him every time he speaks. 

When his hands stop flapping, Raphael reaches over with his free hand and grabs hold of Simon’s. His skin is soft and soothing and Simon rubs his thumb across Raphael’s hand. It feels good and Raphael can feel brush spreading across his face - something that hasn’t happened in longer than he can remember.

Neither of them speak as they continue to hold hands. They look at each other and before Raphael can even process the thought, he’s saying, “I love you,” out loud.

Simon freezes and Raphael is sure read everything wrong. Of course this was just how Simon is - he’s friendly and kind and loving to everyone. Of course. Raphael feels so stupid. He pulls his hand away from Simon’s. He wants to get up and leave but before he can, Simon is reaching out for his hand again, grabbing hold.

“Sorry,” he says, his voice so small. “I’m just so surprised. I… I love you, too.” Despite his quiet tone, the words are loud as they echo over and over in Raphael’s ears. Simon leans in and then they’re kissing. Raphael hasn’t kissed anyone in so long that he’s a bit of a mess, forgetting what exactly he’s supposed to. Simon is good, though, and reaches up with his free hand to help guide Raphael along. 

When they part, the two are smiling and Raphael has to look down and away. Simon reaches out and grabs hold of the ring, twisting it around in his fingers before grabbing hold of Raphael’s hand as well.

He proceeds to slip the ring on his finger and looking up, being sure to catch Raphael’s eyes, he says, “Perfect fit,” and Raphael thinks yeah, maybe this is.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please let me know what you think and come talk to me on [tumblr](http://andvsamberg.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Also [this](http://homojabi.tumblr.com/post/129166582607/stimming) is a really great post on stimming in case anyone's interested.


End file.
